There are those parents who stand back and allow children to make decisions about all manner of behaviors from suitable bedtime to how long they spend in front of the television each day. 

Conversely, some parents make too many decisions for children to protect them from harm. They decide everything from what coat children should wear to what sports they should participate in. This is a case of good intention but poor practice. 

Children at any time are in three states – they either out of control, under control or in control. Hopefully your children are not out of control but many parents think that they are successful if their children are under their control. This is a little scary because sooner or later kids will break out and rebel against overly strong authority – either that or they never grow up. It is far better for children to be in control and learning to make decisions for themselves.

The difficulty for most parents is knowing when to make decisions for children and young people and when to stand back and allow them to decide. 

As a guide break choices, rules and activities that concern children into three areas:

Parents Rule: these are decisions where there is no negotiation. E.g. going to school, young children's bedtime

Work it out together: these are areas where you and your child negotiate outcomes. E.g. when to come home from an outing, TV programs.

Kids Decide: give your children full authority in some areas. E.g. choose the sport they play, school activities

As children grow and show the ability to make sensible decisions allow them more authority over their lives. This demonstrates your trust in them and your faith in their ability to make good decisions. It also promotes confidence in children and young people.

As a rule parents make most of the decisions for very young children. Let's face it, three years olds don't negotiate very well but even at this young age they can make their own decisions in areas such as clothing or eating that concern them. It is important that children experience the consequences of their decisions if they are to make responsible choices. So if kids decide to skip a meal then they can wait until the next meal before eating something substantial. This teaches them that their decisions have a result or a consequence. 

The use of choices is one simple strategy that helps children make good decisions, however it is a hugely misunderstood concept. Offering children and young people choices doesn't mean they can do as they wish nor does it mean that parents provide a smorgasbord of choices. Wise parents will offer children two options to choose from – "Either play inside quietly or go outside if you wish to make a noise."  In some ways this offers the illusion of choice but some children need this sort of assistance and guidance to help them make smart decisions. 

Kids very often can't see the long-term consequences of their decisions so it helps to give them information to help them make smart choices. This includes an array of activities ranging from choosing appropriate clothes when young through to information about alcohol and its affects for older children. There is a subtle difference between telling kids what to do and giving them information and guidance to help them make good decisions. 

The Three BIG Questions that promote good decision-making:  

All decisions have a consequence. Some are positive and some have a negative consequence. To help your child or young person to weigh up the consequences of a decision tell them about the BIG THREE QUESTIONS that they should ask whenever they are confronted with a choice that they are unsure about:

Decision-making is hard work for parents as we are always treading a fine line between being too protective and not protecting children enough. But if we want children to begin to make smart choices and be in control rather than out of or under control we need to equip them with knowledge and skills as well as opportunities to do so.